


Help me be myself again

by QueenofSchmoop



Category: The 4400
Genre: AU from middle of Season 2, Cousin Incest, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Season/Series 02 Spoilers, reference to canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 06:59:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7350631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenofSchmoop/pseuds/QueenofSchmoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if, when Kyle was still trying to work out his blackouts, Danny and Shawn came to help him? And what if he had broken down and told Shawn what he’d done?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Help me be myself again

Kyle Baldwin sat on the couch and listened to his cousin Danny ramble on. But it was Shawn he couldn’t take his eyes away from. Shawn, who had so loved his mentor Jordan Collier. Shawn, whose life had changed when Kyle had killed Jordan. Shawn, his cousin and childhood best friend, who had helped him escape the abduction the future had planned for him. 

Kyle made a gut decision and stood. “Danny, I need to talk to Shawn. Alone.”

Danny looked startled and then hurt. He tried to mask it. “Hey, I’m family too, you know.”

Kyle finally tore his eyes away. “I know, Danny. But I really need to talk to just Shawn .”

Danny mulishly crossed his arms. “I’m stayin’ right here.”

Shawn said very softly, “Danny.”

There was a tense moment of silence and then Danny Baldwin exploded. “Oh fuck you both then! Another, ’let’s exclude Danny moment?’ Go to hell!” He stormed out of the living room and slammed shut the front door. 

“Maybe--” Shawn started but Kyle interrupted him. 

“Shawn, I killed Jordan.”

Shawn stopped, gaped. “What?”

“These blackouts I’ve been having? During one of them I was, I don’t know, taken over by someone from the future or something. I got a gun and took out two NTAC agents and then I shot Jordan. Murdered him.”

Shawn sat down, almost falling down on the couch. “You killed him?”

“Yes. I couldn’t remember what I had done during my blackouts for the longest time. But just a while ago I did. I remember killing Jordan. I assassinated him, Shawn. I’m guilty.” Kyle stood very still. “Please don’t hate me,” he whispered, head down. It snapped back up as Shawn stood and stumbled over to him. He tensed, waiting for a blow but Shawn put his hands on the sides of Kyle’s head and brought him close. 

They were still looking into each other’s eyes, something passing between them when Shawn’s fingers twitched slightly and Kyle gasped. He felt something drawing closer to the surface, drawing out of him. He collapsed to his knees, Shawn following him down and opened his mouth in a silent scream. Part of him wondered if Shawn wasn’t using his ability to kill him, take revenge. Another part noticed the concern in Shawn’s eyes and felt a rush of affection for his cousin. 

A white ball of light formed out of Kyle’s mouth and floated between them, getting bigger and bigger. Until it seemingly exploded, throwing them both back and away from each other. Shawn was thrown back into the couch while Kyle impacted with the wall. They lay there, panting then Kyle gingerly sat up. 

“Shawn?” He went to stand but couldn’t so he crawled over to his cousin. “Shawn?” he prompted again, more worried at not getting an answer. 

Shawn Farrell looked up, one corner of his head bleeding but he was smiling. “I felt it go. Whatever it was, whatever really did it, it’s dead, Kyle.” 

“I know. Thank you.” Without a thought in his head, Kyle leaned forward and kissed the corner of Shawn’s mouth. He pulled back, shocked at himself. “Um, sorry.”

Shawn was silent for a beat then said, “No, it’s okay.” He reached out and gripped Kyle’s arm. “I’m sorry you’ve been walking around with this burden. But you’re free now.”

“Yes.” It felt wonderful. “But I still killed Jordan Collier.”

“No,” Shawn was emphatic. “Whatever that thing was, that’s what killed Jordan. You didn’t do this, Kyle. You didn’t. I don’t blame you.”

“What if I blame myself?”

“Don’t. Don’t blame yourself for what the future did to you. Believe me, I speak from experience.” 

They sat there for a while then Shawn said, “are you going to tell Uncle Tommy?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t planned on it. Hadn’t planned on telling anyone until Danny got involved.”

“Yeah. About that. Why’d you tell me and not Danny? I mean, we’ve always been closer than you and him but still…”

Kyle shrugged. “I guess because you were so close to Jordan. I figured I owed it to you. And yeah, we’ve always been more like brothers than cousins.”

“I hope not,” Shawn tried to joke, thinking of his own tempestuous relationship with his brother. 

They sat there, leaning against the couch for a few more seconds then Kyle remembered Shawn’s forehead. Reaching up but careful not to touch it he said, “can’t you heal yourself?”

“What? Oh yeah.” A moment and the cut was gone, only the blood remained. 

They scrambled up and Kyle helped Shawn into the bathroom, where he grabbed a washcloth and wetted it. Holding it up to Shawn’s head, he dabbed at it, making Shawn wince. 

“Hurts?”

“No, cold! You couldn’t have used warm water, ya jerk?” There was a laughing tease in Shawn’s voice. 

“Big baby,” Kyle teased in return. He dabbed a few more times then leaned back against the sink. “All fixed. Want me to kiss it and make it all better?”

“Sure,” Shawn said. “Why not?”

Smirking, Kyle leaned in and gently bussed the spot but did not pull back. Instead he remained in close, their breath mingling between them. “Shawn?” He closed the distance. “Thank you.” It came out barely a sound, murmured between them. Their lips were almost touching, their bodies so close. Kyle’s eyes were half closed. 

“For what?” Shawn asked. 

“For getting that whatever out of me. For not hating me for shooting Jordan. All of it.” 

“Kyle,” Shawn felt like he was gasping for breath, “I could never hate you.” He tilted his head up slightly and their lips touched. It wasn’t much more than that but it felt like an electric charge went through them both. They pulled back from each other. “Did you feel that?”

“Yeah.” They stood there, uncertain and hesitant.

“It’s wrong, you know,” Shawn suddenly burst out. 

Kyle didn’t even have to ask what he was talking about. “I know.”

“I doubt the people from the future sent me back to have sex with my cousin.”

Kyle smiled. “Who said we were having sex? So far, we’ve just kissed.” He watched Shawn turn red with embarrassment. “Also, those future people don’t seem to always know what they’re doing if they made me kill Jordan Collier.”

Shawn was silent, thinking. “I don’t know what to think about that, Kyle. I just know you’re my cousin. I love you and want to help you.”

“I love you too, Shawn.” He stepped closer and put his arms around him. “And thanks.” 

They stood there, just hugging, for a long moment. Then Shawn tipped his face up again and their mouths met in another gentle kiss. When it ended, Kyle set his forehead against Shawn’s, just leaning into him. They stood there, breath mingling, until the shrill sound of a phone ringing went off. 

With a start, Shawn broke away. “Shit, that’s my phone.” He scrabbled in his pockets and drew out his cell, flipping it open. “Shawn Farrell. What? No, I can’t. I’m with--listen, Matthew I’m taking care of something important here and--” Shawn’s mouth got tight and drawn. “Yeah? Well, last I looked I was head of the Center, not you. So I’ll be back when I get back, okay?” He slammed the phone shut and made a gesture like he was going to throw it, then sighed and slid it back into his pocket. 

“Trouble?”

“Matthew Ross wants me back at the Center.”

“If you have to go…”

“Hey.” Shawn stepped close and cupped Kyle’s face. “You’re more important to me than any of that. You know that, right?”

Kyle smiled. “Guess I do now.” 

They kissed again. And then Shawn muttered, “fuck!” as his cell phone went off yet again. 

Kyle chuckled against his mouth. “It’s all right. You need to go.”

“Kyle--”

“Really, Shawn. I need to think about what to do anyway.”

“What do you mean, what to do?” Shawn grew suspicious. “Kyle?”

Kyle touched his face. “Go on. I promise I won’t do anything without talking to you first.”

“Or Uncle Tommy.”

“Or Dad. Go on, now, Mr. 4400,” he made a shoo gesture. “Your adoring public awaits.”

Shawn reluctantly went to leave. As he got to the door he had the strongest urge to kiss Kyle yet again but his security men could see him now. “Call me if you need me. Or for any reason. Deal?”

“Deal.” They stood looking at each other for a long moment. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Shawn left. Kyle shut the door behind him, then leaned against it, taking in all that had happened. He found himself wandering upstairs, going through old photos of himself and Shawn, reliving the past, thinking about the future. When Tom Baldwin finally made it home, Alana with him, he came downstairs, ready. 

 

End


End file.
